Friday, August 26, 2011

Things that terrify, yet fascinate me: Part 2

Boston Dynamics Big Dog
 This robot, when combined with other scientific advances, will be the end of our kind.  You can't knock it over.  This video will teach you a new kind of fear.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The 5 Best Motivational Speeches From Movies You Might Not have Seen

I love motivational speeches in movies, but so many of them have just been done to death.  If you go to sporting events anywhere with a jumbotron with any regularity, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  Gene Hackman just doesn't get me fired up anymore.  So I decided to make a list of my 5 favorite relatively obscure, motivational speeches.  They are listed chronologically, as some of the speeches are so radically different that  I couldn't really concoct a good way to rank them.

Charlie Chaplin - The Great Dictator (1940)
This is not really what you might expect out of Charlie Chaplin, but it's still powerful and apt 70 years later.

Kenneth Branagh - Henry V (1989)
It kind of feels like I'm cheating here, since this one was written by Shakespeare, but it's not quite as well known as it ought to be.  Also, for those who were wondering, St. Crispin's Day is October 25th.

Liam Neeson - Michael Collins (1996)
This is easily the most Irish speech you will ever see in your life.  It ends with Liam Neeson headbutting someone, and it doesn't get any more Irish than that.

Christopher Walken - Poolhall Junkies (2002)
I think this is probably my favorite of the bunch.  I doubt that would be true were it delivered by anyone other than Walken.  Listen to how he says "jackals".

Sam Rockwell - The Winning Season (2009)
This one really isn't effective in terms of motivation, but I do really enjoy it.  The mouth full of popcorn is a nice touch.

Bonus Speech!
If you've been to a Stars game any time since 2004, you've probably seen the Kurt Russell speech from Miracle.  It's a good one, but like Hoosiers, I grow tired of it.  That is unless it is delivered by a 4 year old in a suit who taught himself the speech.  Enjoy.

Crazy Wildlife Hunting: Part 1

This is a bigass centipede that hunts bats.  It is damn terrifying.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The 10 Best Movie Subtitles That Aren't Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo

How does one decide how good a movie's subtitle is?  This was the question that needed to be answered before compiling a list.  So, I settled on two criteria: wordplay and ridiculousness.  Also, I decided the Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo should be left out, because it is clearly the best and would pretty much turn this whole thing into a top 9 list. So, with that out of the way, let's begin.

10. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous

This one is pretty straightforward.  It's like armed and dangerous, but because she's in a beauty pageant, it's fabulous.

Fun fact: Ron Swanson is in this movie.

9. Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust

Double pun!  Also you know you're off to a bad start when Gary Busey won't come back to do a sequel.

Fun fact:  John Vulich, the guy who took over the role of the Gingerdead Man, is a make-up artist who has worked on shows like Buffy and the X-Files.

8. 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain

Though the title actually kind of makes sense within the context of the film, that would require that you actually watch it.  And let's be honest, does anyone want to watch the fourth installment of the 3 Ninjas series?

Fun fact:  Jim Varney appears in this movie in a rare non-Ernest appearance.

7. Cube 2: Hypercube

I am admittedly biased here, as this is the subtitle I reference most often in my everyday life other than Breakin'.  This is largely because my sister drives a Nissan Cube.

Fun fact: Directed by the cinematographer of Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction.

6. City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold

This is another one that makes sense, but is just so ridiculous that it needs to be recognized.

Fun fact: Jon Lovitz fucking rules.

5. Free Willy 4: Escape From Pirate's Cove

I haven't seen this one, but the title brings up so many questions that demand answers.  First and foremost: Why is Free Willy consorting with pirates?

Fun fact: Apparently, this movie features a plot to inject Willy with anti-freeze in order to drive down his market value.  Seriously.

4. Cocaine Cowboys 2: Hustlin' With the Godmother

This subtitle is pretty solid, but were this an ordinary film, it wouldn't be in the top 4.  However, due to the fact that this is the sequel to an acclaimed documentary, it scored serious bonus points.

Fun fact: Cocaine is significantly cheaper in Southern Texas than the rest of the country due to ease of acquisition.

3. House Party 2: The Pajama Jam!

This is only in the top three because of the exclamation mark.

Fun fact: Kid 'N' Play is actually two people.

2. Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit

I feel like this has the most esoteric wordplay of pretty much any subtitle due to a fairly uncommon use of the word habit.  Well played, Whoopi.

Fun fact:  This movie was directed by Bill Duke, the black guy who threatens to kill Carl Weathers in Predator.

1. The Entire Air Bud Series

The Air Bud series has so many good sports related dog puns it's crazy. Golden Receiver, Seventh Inning Fetch, and World Pup.  I guess they couldn't think of anything dog related for volleyball, though.

Fun fact: Wikipedia doesn't seem to check the entries for the Air Bud series too often.  This can be seen here.
                  EDIT: This has since been corrected.  I'm glad I took the screenshot.

Monday, August 8, 2011

We're Back!

We're back.  After much slovenliness and drinking, Bigger Than A Normal Hat is once again up and running.  We left off anticipating the arrival of Summer Movie Preview, Part 3: 5 Movies That Look Like They'll Fucking Rule.  So here's the deal; I'm not writing that.  I'm over it.  Plus, summer is pretty much over and all of the movies that were going to be on that list have already been released.  So, fuck it, we're moving on.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Summer Movie Preview, Part 2: 5 Movies That Are Going To Be So Bad They'll Give You Diseases

Well...  these movies are going to suck ass.  I guarantee it.
Pictured: Comedy gold

Mr. Popper's Penguins - June 17th
Here we've got Jim Carrey doing the exact same shit Jim Carrey always does, except now he's surrounded by penguins, continuing to ruin peoples' fond memories of books they read as children.  I have to give credit where credit is due, the penguins look good.  Cute, frolicking, you know, penguin shit.  But it's going to take far more than that to save this movie.  So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you thinks it's funny when Jim Carrey leans over and talks with his butt cheeks, then by all means, go see this movie.  If not, the I recommend you get your penguin fix by watching the Futurama episode, "The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz".

Bad Teacher - June 24th
This looks like it might have its moments, but I just can't get past the fact that the rising action of the story is Cameron Diaz trying to raise money for fake boobs, because they might impress the guy from 'N Sync.  Apparently, Justin Timberlake isn't attracted to Gollum arms.  This one might not give you a disease, but it's not gonna be good.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon - July 1st
There is only one Transformers movie, Transformers: The Movie.  In conclusion, fuck Michael Bay.
Once again, fuck you, Michael Bay.

The Smurfs - July 29th
Seriously, who thought this would be a good idea?  A feature length Smurfs movie?  I think "It's Pat" had a more solid premise.  I wonder if a Snorks movie is in the works.  Anyway, this is the best thing to result from the existence of the Smurfs.

The Change Up - August 5th
Have the various Freaky Fridays, Vice Versa, and A Saintly Switch taught us nothing?  Stop making body swapping movies!  It is a stale and hackneyed device that rarely ever actually works for a feature film.  A 22 minute tv show is one thing, but 2 hours of body swapping is just tiresome.

Cautionary Tales

Honorable mentions go to Zookeeper and Final Destination 5, but any more just seems like it would be kicking 'em when they're down.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Summer Movie Preview, Part 1: 5 Movies That Will Either Be Awesome Or Terrible


These are the five summer movies that I honestly hope are good, but have a sneaking suspicion could end up sucking.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - May 20th
I loved the first movie, but as the series went on, the movies got progressively worse and convoluted.  Johnny Depp did his best to save them, but it wasn't happening.  The new installment boasts the additions of Penelope Cruz and Ian McShane, which I'd consider an upgrade from Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly, but only time will tell.  Two things about this movie are certain, though.  First, my ardent hatred of both Rob Marshall and Chicago is kind of putting a damper on my optimism about this film.  And second, at least once in this movie, when Ian McShane inevitably does or says something awesome, I will yell, "Swedgin!" at the screen.

The Hangover: Part II - May 27th
Look, they replaced the baby with a monkey!  It looks about as much like a remake as a sequel, but I hope that with as good as these guys are together that they can manage to keep it funny without doing all of the same shit over again.  I've got to give credit to the people over at for pointing this out, but the trailers are nigh identical.  Seriously.  Open these up and watch them side by side simultaneously.  It's uncanny.  Let the second one run for like 4 seconds and start up the first one.

X-Men: First Class - June 3rd
Pictured: My number 1 reason to see X-Men: First Class.
Of all of the movies on here, this is the one that worries me most, because I really want it to be good.  I heard production was extremely rushed and I'm not sure about the mutant lineup.  If you have the rights to the characters in this vast, expansive universe, then why the shit is Banshee on the team?  Where's Cyclops?  I don't even like Cyclops, but how do you make a movie about the origins of the X-Men and leave him out for fucking Banshee.  Beast, played by the goofy looking kid from About A Boy, and a walking Professor Xavier (is he a professor yet?) are the only original X-Men featured. I just don't understand it; they didn't even get cool replacements.  There are also a ton of little things that bother me about this movie, but it's just me being a giant comic book nerd so it's not a big deal.  That being said, regardless of how this movie turns out, the hotness of January Jones alone will make it better than X-Men 3.  Also, I thought you should all know that I had the option to resize that picture to make it fit, but opted not to do so.  You're welcome.

Green Lantern - June 17th
I've got a lot of problems with this one.  Any way this movie turns out, I'm going to feel like they tried to trick me.  All of the footage since Wonder Con has looked pretty solid, but that first trailer still haunts me.  That shit looked like they made "Van Wilder Joins The Green Lantern Corps" and tried to pass it off as a movie.  And I'm still not sold on Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan.  Wally West, sure, but he's no Hal Jordan.  Then there's the costume.  It looks like some asshole photoshopped it onto a picture of Ryan Reynolds to corroborate a casting rumor he started on an imdb message board.  If the movie is more representative of the latest trailer, I think it'll be alright.  But if it's more like that first trailer, I am going to be pissed.
Is any one of these really any better than the others?

Rise of the Planet of the Apes - August 5th
Andy Serkis is back in his motion capture suit running around like a monkey!  I gather this film is supposed to explain how apes evolved from men.  The trailer actually looks pretty good, but I just don't know how you can make a movie that attempts to explain the events of Planet of the Apes and not have it be silly.  Either way, this one ought to be interesting.
There's a perfectly logical explanation for this.

I'll post Part 2: 5 Movies That Are Going To Be So Bad They'll Give You Diseases and Part 3: 5 Movies That Look Like They'll Fucking Rule here in the next few days.