Monday, May 16, 2011

Summer Movie Preview, Part 1: 5 Movies That Will Either Be Awesome Or Terrible


These are the five summer movies that I honestly hope are good, but have a sneaking suspicion could end up sucking.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - May 20th
I loved the first movie, but as the series went on, the movies got progressively worse and convoluted.  Johnny Depp did his best to save them, but it wasn't happening.  The new installment boasts the additions of Penelope Cruz and Ian McShane, which I'd consider an upgrade from Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly, but only time will tell.  Two things about this movie are certain, though.  First, my ardent hatred of both Rob Marshall and Chicago is kind of putting a damper on my optimism about this film.  And second, at least once in this movie, when Ian McShane inevitably does or says something awesome, I will yell, "Swedgin!" at the screen.

The Hangover: Part II - May 27th
Look, they replaced the baby with a monkey!  It looks about as much like a remake as a sequel, but I hope that with as good as these guys are together that they can manage to keep it funny without doing all of the same shit over again.  I've got to give credit to the people over at for pointing this out, but the trailers are nigh identical.  Seriously.  Open these up and watch them side by side simultaneously.  It's uncanny.  Let the second one run for like 4 seconds and start up the first one.

X-Men: First Class - June 3rd
Pictured: My number 1 reason to see X-Men: First Class.
Of all of the movies on here, this is the one that worries me most, because I really want it to be good.  I heard production was extremely rushed and I'm not sure about the mutant lineup.  If you have the rights to the characters in this vast, expansive universe, then why the shit is Banshee on the team?  Where's Cyclops?  I don't even like Cyclops, but how do you make a movie about the origins of the X-Men and leave him out for fucking Banshee.  Beast, played by the goofy looking kid from About A Boy, and a walking Professor Xavier (is he a professor yet?) are the only original X-Men featured. I just don't understand it; they didn't even get cool replacements.  There are also a ton of little things that bother me about this movie, but it's just me being a giant comic book nerd so it's not a big deal.  That being said, regardless of how this movie turns out, the hotness of January Jones alone will make it better than X-Men 3.  Also, I thought you should all know that I had the option to resize that picture to make it fit, but opted not to do so.  You're welcome.

Green Lantern - June 17th
I've got a lot of problems with this one.  Any way this movie turns out, I'm going to feel like they tried to trick me.  All of the footage since Wonder Con has looked pretty solid, but that first trailer still haunts me.  That shit looked like they made "Van Wilder Joins The Green Lantern Corps" and tried to pass it off as a movie.  And I'm still not sold on Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan.  Wally West, sure, but he's no Hal Jordan.  Then there's the costume.  It looks like some asshole photoshopped it onto a picture of Ryan Reynolds to corroborate a casting rumor he started on an imdb message board.  If the movie is more representative of the latest trailer, I think it'll be alright.  But if it's more like that first trailer, I am going to be pissed.
Is any one of these really any better than the others?

Rise of the Planet of the Apes - August 5th
Andy Serkis is back in his motion capture suit running around like a monkey!  I gather this film is supposed to explain how apes evolved from men.  The trailer actually looks pretty good, but I just don't know how you can make a movie that attempts to explain the events of Planet of the Apes and not have it be silly.  Either way, this one ought to be interesting.
There's a perfectly logical explanation for this.

I'll post Part 2: 5 Movies That Are Going To Be So Bad They'll Give You Diseases and Part 3: 5 Movies That Look Like They'll Fucking Rule here in the next few days.

1 comment:

  1. As for that question about the Green Lantern, the middle one is hands-down, the best.