Friday, May 20, 2011

Summer Movie Preview, Part 2: 5 Movies That Are Going To Be So Bad They'll Give You Diseases

Well...  these movies are going to suck ass.  I guarantee it.
Pictured: Comedy gold

Mr. Popper's Penguins - June 17th
Here we've got Jim Carrey doing the exact same shit Jim Carrey always does, except now he's surrounded by penguins, continuing to ruin peoples' fond memories of books they read as children.  I have to give credit where credit is due, the penguins look good.  Cute, frolicking, you know, penguin shit.  But it's going to take far more than that to save this movie.  So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you thinks it's funny when Jim Carrey leans over and talks with his butt cheeks, then by all means, go see this movie.  If not, the I recommend you get your penguin fix by watching the Futurama episode, "The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz".

Bad Teacher - June 24th
This looks like it might have its moments, but I just can't get past the fact that the rising action of the story is Cameron Diaz trying to raise money for fake boobs, because they might impress the guy from 'N Sync.  Apparently, Justin Timberlake isn't attracted to Gollum arms.  This one might not give you a disease, but it's not gonna be good.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon - July 1st
There is only one Transformers movie, Transformers: The Movie.  In conclusion, fuck Michael Bay.
Once again, fuck you, Michael Bay.

The Smurfs - July 29th
Seriously, who thought this would be a good idea?  A feature length Smurfs movie?  I think "It's Pat" had a more solid premise.  I wonder if a Snorks movie is in the works.  Anyway, this is the best thing to result from the existence of the Smurfs.

The Change Up - August 5th
Have the various Freaky Fridays, Vice Versa, and A Saintly Switch taught us nothing?  Stop making body swapping movies!  It is a stale and hackneyed device that rarely ever actually works for a feature film.  A 22 minute tv show is one thing, but 2 hours of body swapping is just tiresome.

Cautionary Tales

Honorable mentions go to Zookeeper and Final Destination 5, but any more just seems like it would be kicking 'em when they're down.


  1. Great previews pattick! I always love knowing what movies you think will suck. It saves me assloads of time and money.

  2. Let me qualify that last statement: an assload, I believe we decided, is larger than a buttload, but no greater than a shit-ton.